


Dailin x Dimitri but Dailin is just Claude

by DimitriKinnie



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, I'm sorry dailin, I'm very sorry for this cursed fic, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, also slight felix/sylvain, and marianne/hilda, bernadetta is god, constance is also god, crackfic, liberal use of semicolons, shitpost, there is slight hanneman/sylvain but like... in a shitpost way, there was only O N E bed, we wrote this late at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DimitriKinnie/pseuds/DimitriKinnie
Summary: it's exactly what the title says.a gift for dailin (she doesn't have ao3) (I also co-wrote with two friends but they don't have ao3 so rip in piece)
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Dailin x Dimitri but Dailin is just Claude

**Author's Note:**

> dailin are you reading this I love you!!

Dailin x Dimitri but Dailin is just Claude (this reads like a 5am fic but we wrote this at 12:30)  
By: Bernadetta bon Barley (Not!!!!! Bernadatta von Varley) and Constance bon Nubelle  
Not Flayn Approved

Claude stuffed his bag into his locker. Haha I hate civics, he thought to himself. His locker was suddenly pushed closed. Then appeared Hilda! Valentine! Goneril! 

“I hate civics! The professor keeps making me look at graphs, like, how am I supposed to read them!” She huffed.  
“The only reason I don’t just quit is because Marriane’s also here”.  
Claude frowned. “fucc"  
In a world with soulmates, how has Claude? Von Riegen, no less, not have a soulmate? Let alone no one to fucc.  
"Uhm. What did you just say?" Hilda said in bewilderment, staring at Claude. "My mom’s here you know,,, she doesn’t take kindly to swears…"  
Hilda's mom scowled in the distance.  
"I just want a fucc” Claude repeated himself in exasperation.  
Hilda blinked repeatedly. This wasn't very funny, didn't laugh. While this wasn't surprising behaviour for Claude, it was also very sudden of him.  
He looked at his schedule.“I have :) a plan.”

The plan was simple: Step 1 lots of hot people in his english class. Step 2 Snatch one. 3 if lady luck allows it, get a soulmate.  
His right hand woman stared at him in wonder. "That's a great plan!"  
"I didn't say anything yet." Claude replied.  
Hilda guffawed at his buffoonery. "You're so single it was obvious."

-smol time skip-  
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not a 5 year timeskip okay!! Keikaku means plan]

Claude looked desperately across the class. He NEEDED the FUCC. He was real horny. One male in particular caught his attention. Dimitrie was crying in the corner of the english classroom cus he just realized that he did not shower for the past month. Claude’zz heart skipped several beats; he was having a heart attack.  
Hilda noticed and fished her Hello Kitty plastic phone out of her purse, pressing the sticker buttons and dialing 911.  
“Hey bitch it’s me again. Yeah it’s the third time this week. No, I will not stop calling. Say hi to Sandra for me and save some strawberry donuts.” Hilda said, staring at Claude.  
Dimitri noticed and immediately rushed forward on all fours like a fucking boar. “That fucking boar I’m gonna slice and dice him” Felix said readying his blade.  
“Oh my god Felix you dick let me catch up with Barbra in peace.” Hilda sneered, resuming her call.  
“Mhmm… Yeah I know, he’s a bitch when he’s like that. Continue your story. Oh my god, he did what???” She glanced briefly back at Felix, who was still readying his blade, it was a big sword like the one Cloud Strife (420gay420) uses in ff7.  
Hilda checked her nails, kicking Dimitri away with her high heels while he tried to crawl over to Claude. “Sorry, you’ll have to continue telling me about Sammantha’s scandal later. Felix is trying to stab Dimitri who is horny.”  
Dimitri writhed on the ground under Hilda’s high heel like a fish out of water, reaching for Claude. Their eyes met and Claude realized that Dimitri’s palm was glowing while the blue boy reached out like a feral animal, foaming at the mouth.  
Holy shit His endless search was finally over, he found his soulmate.

And this moment was totally tubular.

Claude’s thoughts were quickly interrupted by the English teacher slamming the door open and walking in, sporting eyebags and a regretful expression.  
A red-haired classmate raised his hand obnoxiously and waved. “Hannebro!”  
“”Sylvain it is 8:37 at night I will not tolerate these booty calls.”  
“C’mon babe you know you want my ass”.  
“Student teacher relations are illegal Sylvain.”  
“SHut up old man i am acquiring a new vow for my fucking confidant!!!” Claude exclaimed as he fell on the ground next to Dimitri and made a reference to game of the year, Person 5.

Staring into his cold icy blue eyes and uncombed, all around disgusting hair, Claude knew what love felt like. And he needed it now. He needed to fuck Dimitri in the middle of this classroom right fucking now.

Hilda looked at them. “That’s fucking disgusting you’re not even roommates yet how do i make a vine reference on tiktok if you just fuck right there”  
“Kinky.” Said Sylvain.  
“Not this shit again” Haneman said dead inside as he turned and walked back out the door, shutting it behind him.

“Now this moment is totally tubular,” said Claude.

And it really was.

Hilda looked at Claude and Dimitri laying on top of each other on the ground. “Ok. I’m out.”  
She left, pulling Marianne with her.

Which was also totally tubular.  
“Never in a million years do I want to witness the boar fucc” Felix spat as he grabbed his backpack, preparing to leave.  
His classmates in the back nodded in agreement while they packed up to go to their next class.  
“But Felix, how about fucc with me ;) (;” Sylvain wink wonked after him.  
“no” He left.  
Bernadetta watched nervously as she furiously scribbled something down on her notepad, jumping through the window for a quick escape. Nobody reacted; the window was replaced every week.

Now, Claude was alone with Dimitri. This is completely, epicly, totally tubular.

But wait  
There’s more

Suddenly the entire grade was whisked away on a school trip while Rhea did cult things and conveniently it was an overnight trip. Unfortunately, Claude and Dimitri were left as the last pairing to pick a room.  
When they opened the door to the hotel room, there was only one bed. Threr was only one beeeedeeeeeeeeedd!!!!1!1!11!1  
Claude rang up the desk but they said “sorry we just pawned all off all of our beds to the black market, everyone else is actually sleeping on the floor. You have the last bed.”  
It was Bernadetta’s doing, everything, from the pairings to the soulmates, all so her books would sell.  
Thus, Dimitri and Claude were conveniently fooled into the world of a yaoi fanfiction written by an above the age of consent year old girl.  
Flayn does not approve.  
Constance was her manager and the one who had suggested selling all the beds to the black market. In doing this, she would monopolize the bed economy and turn a profit on the bed stonks. Turnips were vanquished, gods no longer controlled this world, only Bernie.

Only Bernie. (who is tubular)

**Author's Note:**

> haha jk fuck you


End file.
